


For Science!

by chibi_nightowl



Category: Batman (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Coffee, Crack, Gen, Humor, Red Bull, Science Experiments, Soda, The Little Coffeemaker that Could
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26388724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi_nightowl/pseuds/chibi_nightowl
Summary: “Hey, Timbo! I was hoping to get your opinion on…” Dick trails off as he takes in the empty can of Red Bull, the new coffeemaker, and the canister of coffee grounds in Tim’s hands. “What are you doing?”“An experiment.”
Comments: 57
Kudos: 489





	For Science!

**Author's Note:**

> This is all the fault of njw, clarityhiding, strawberryjei, and ayzenigma. Mostly njw. (shmoo went to bed too soon.)
> 
> Thanks to Bumpkin for the super quick beta read!

“Hey, Tim! Check this out!” Bart shoves his phone so close to Tim’s face that his eyes cross as he tries to see the screen. 

He takes hold of his friend’s wrist and steps back so it comes into focus. “What am I supposed to be looking at?” 

“Did you know that Dr. Pepper was supposed to be drank hot?” 

“What?” Tim’s stomach churns at the thought. “You mean like, room temp?” 

“No! Heated over the stove and poured over a lemon. It’s legit!”

Tim watches the video with morbid curiosity. “Brings out the cherry flavor, huh?” 

“Yeah!” Bart pauses, then grins. “Wanna try it?” 

“Yeah, why not?”

* * *

It’s not bad. A little thicker and sweeter than usual, but overall, it’s surprisingly not awful.

Tim opens the fridge and pulls out a bottle of grape Zesti. “We should try heating this up. You know, for science.” 

Bart grins.

* * *

The problem with any good science experiment is that there comes a point where, after replicating the results, you start to wonder what else you can do. Or in this case, heat up and see if it tastes good. 

Back home after his weekend with the Titans, Tim crashes hard from what is undoubtedly too much sugar. But when he wakes up the next morning, and stumbles down to the kitchen to start his coffee, an idea comes to him.

What would happen if he makes coffee with something other than water? Perhaps with a caffeine kick of its own?

Everyone jokes that he’s already tried to make his coffee with Red Bull, but really, he’s never attempted it. Can it even heat up to the right temperature without congealing?

He detours to the fridge to grab a can so he can find out. 

* * *

The saucepan is ruined, but hey, it’s not like he uses his kitchen all that often. Tim drags his finger through the brown substance left behind—65 grams of sugar is a lot— after all the liquid has boiled off. It’s sticky and reminds him of a burnt caramel. The smell though—it’s pure sugar. The sweetness is cloying and honestly, seeing the results… 

Well, it’s not like he drinks the things for the sugar. It’s the caffeine he’s after.

Tim sips his coffee and eyes the empty can, then his coffeemaker. Ruining such a fine machine isn’t on his to-do list for the day, but while he’s out, he can stop by the store and pick up a cheap one.

Or maybe more than one. After all, it’s for science!

* * *

Tim is just putting the coffee grounds in the filter when Dick appears out of nowhere with pizza and a massive casefile. Looks like it’s time to upgrade his security alarms again. If they can’t keep his family out, then he’ll have a ninja infestation in no time.

“Hey, Timbo! I was hoping to get your opinion on…” he trails off as he takes in the empty can of Red Bull, the new coffeemaker, and the canister of coffee grounds in Tim’s hands. “What are you doing?” 

“An experiment.”

“Uh-huh.” Dick shakes his head. “You do know that much caffeine will kill you, right?”

“Actually, I don’t know that. I haven’t tested the amount in the finished product and—” Tim frowns as the coffee disappears and is replaced by the casefile. “Hey, I wasn’t done yet!”

“Yeah, you are. You’ll thank me later when you don’t go into cardiac arrest.” 

Tim huffs and rolls his eyes. “Whatever. It’s just a science experiment.” 

“Sure it is.”

* * *

It takes a solid week before he finds the time to continue his tests. He’s pretty sure Dick sabotaged his own stakeout just to make sure he doesn’t return home without supervision, which is ridiculous. Tim is a functional adult who does his own laundry and pays his taxes, he doesn’t need a babysitter. 

He does scowl though when he realizes the Red Bull has sat in the coffeemaker for a week. That’s disgusting and it is only thanks to years of cleaning his own chemistry lab that he’s able to salvage the poor device. 

This time, he manages to brew a pot before he’s interrupted. 

“Replacement, you home? I need—” Jason barges in and comes to a hard stop as he takes in the sight of Tim sitting on the counter with a notepad while inspecting the carafe. 

It looks like coffee, but smells like Red Bull, which is weird.

“What are you doing?” 

“A science experiment.” 

Jason shakes his head. “Right. And I’m the Tooth Fairy.” 

“Well, I suppose you could be, if you really wanted to. You collect enough teeth as it is.” 

His older brother marches across the kitchen and yanks the carafe out of his hand. Or tries to because Tim has a really good grip on it. “You don’t want to drink that.” 

“I was only going to taste it!”

“Seriously, I just started liking you. Don’t backslide.” Jason goes for the kill and jabs him in the side, right where he’s the most ticklish and Tim lets go with a yelp. It’s like he’s been talking to Dick, the jerk.

“You already think I live off this stuff, so why stop me now?” Tim rubs his side where Jason added a pinch while he was at it. Now he’s going to have a bruise on top of all his other ones.

“Just because you live on the stuff doesn’t mean I have to watch you drink it.”

“But I don’t! Really!” 

“Sure you don’t. Go ahead and tell me another one.” 

Tim heaves a sigh and sets his notepad down. Looks like he isn’t finishing his experiment tonight either.

* * *

Since Red Bull seems to magically summon his brothers, Tim tries a different approach the next time. 

Zesti. Specifically, grape Zesti. It’s what he has on hand and is his favorite flavor. Grape flavored coffee isn’t exactly high on his really-wants-to-try-this list, but when needs must… 

This time, it’s _Alfred_ who comes waltzing into his kitchen just as he presses start. 

“I do hope you’re not planning on actually drinking that.” 

Tim tosses up his hands. “Is my kitchen bugged? How do you guys even know!?” 

“It’s a gift. Now please, Master Tim. Do stop putting your poor coffeemaker through such horrors.” 

“I’m not even using my main one.” He points across the kitchen to where his pristine, perfect coffee machine sits in a place of glory on the otherwise empty countertop. “Do I look like I’m dumb?” 

“Ask me when you’ve ceased with pouring grape soda into that one.”

* * *

What does it take to get a little privacy to conduct an entirely innocent experiment? Sheesh, it isn’t like he plans to regularly consume the crap coming out of the coffeemaker. He’s tasting it. For _science._

Tim sweeps his kitchen three times before he’s satisfied that all the bugs are gone. There were nearly a dozen, which is overkill in his opinion. 

Seriously. It’s his kitchen, his home, his tastebuds. 

Three different flavors of Zesti sit on his counter beside the poor little coffeemaker that never seems to have a chance to do the one job he purchased it for. That changes this afternoon. He’s determined. It’ll happen this time. 

Bruce steps into the kitchen as he pours the orange Zesti in. 

“What the hell?” Tim plants his feet and glares. “This is a _science experiment._ You like science.” 

“This is a cry for help.” 

“Are you trying to kill science?”

“Tim. Son. You don’t need to do this. We’ll get you some sleep therapy, and then—” 

There’s only one thing he can do. He throws the empty can of soda at Bruce and runs for it.

* * *

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Kon, Bart. I need your help.”

“You name it, dude.” 

“Anything!” 

Tim seriously questions the faith his friends have in him that they don’t even think twice.

“I need you to run interference while I conduct an experiment.” 

Kon raises a brow. “What kind of interference?”

Now he thinks twice about it. 

“I am trying to figure out what Zesti, Red Bull, and coffee taste like mixed together.”

Bart’s eyes widen while Kon pales. “Oh! Oh! Like when we made the hot Dr. Pepper!”

“You did _what?_ ” 

Tim brushes aside Kon’s concerns. “I’m not mixing everything together. That’d be gross. I just want to taste them mixed with coffee and measure the caffeine levels.”

“And you can’t do this at home, why?”

“Because my family are assholes who won’t let me conduct a simple science experiment.” 

Bart practically vibrates with excitement. “I can’t wait to taste these!” 

Kon just sighs. “Why am I friends with you again?” 

Tim slings an arm over his best friend’s shoulder. “Because we’re the World’s Finest 2.0 and get to do all the things Bruce and Clark can only dream of.” 

* * *

Titan’s Tower shudders under the combined assault of Nightwing, Red Hood, and Batman. From the chatter on the comms, Alfred is up in the Batplane chasing after Kon. 

“Hurry it up, man!” he calls out. “Your family is _insane_.” 

Tim pours himself a glass of grape Zesti flavored coffee. “I’m almost done. The Red Bull and coffee really does taste just like warm Red Bull.”

“But it looks like coffee, right?” Bart asks. In the background, Jason curses and another shot rings out. 

“It does. I’m measuring the caffeine level on that right now.” His entire portable chemistry lab sits on the kitchen counter. Sure, he could have done this in his actual lab, but odds are likely that the Bats will break through any second, despite the combined efforts of Superboy and Kid Flash, so why take the chance that it’ll be damaged? 

He raises the cup to his lips and inhales the aroma. It’s sweet, which is unsurprising considering how much sugar is in Zesti. 

From above, the grating on the air vent is violently kicked to the floor and Dick drops down. 

Tim takes a sip. 

“Tim, no!” his brother shouts. 

He frowns and looks at the cup. “Huh. I wasn’t expecting that.” 

Dick takes in the chemistry lab and the caffeine test that’s still running and pauses. “All the times you said you were running an experiment, was that actually true?” 

Glaring, Tim lowers the mug. “It was. And it still is. Do I look like someone who wants to kill himself from a caffeine overdose? Be very careful how you answer that,” he warns as Dick opens his mouth. 

“You complain about being tired all the time. And you drink a lot of coffee.”

“First off, I drink coffee to start my day, just like all of us do. I only hit the energy drinks when I need to pull an all-nighter, which I do more often than I’d like because everyone seems to need my help with their cases. And guess what? By the time I’m done, I just happen to be yawning because I’m actually tired and want to go to bed. But noooo, I have to turn around and go to WE because _someone_ can’t put on his big boy pants and do his job!”

That last part is directed at Bruce, who drops out of the ceiling to land beside Dick. 

Tim doesn’t even ask what’s happened to Bart and Kon. They’ll be fine. Eventually. He’ll make it up to them. 

Bruce frowns. “I didn’t know you were burning the candle from both ends so consistently.” 

“I’m a nineteen-year-old superhero who also runs a multinational corporation. I’d like to see you do that while also trying to take college classes.” Tim glares and takes another sip of the disappointingly flavored coffee. “This is crap by the way,” he pronounces and goes to pour it in the sink. 

Dick runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I’m sorry, Tim. I thought—we thought—” he adds with a pointed glance at Bruce, “that this was a cry for help.” 

From the doorway, Jason snorts. “Speak for yourself. I just wanted a chance to shoot a coffeepot and watch Timmers cry.”

Tim holds up the pot full of grape flavored coffee. “Be my guest. But if you can wait a few minutes while I reset, then we can try the orange Zesti and see how that tastes.” 

All three men pale. “Orange flavored coffee?” Dick checks to be sure. 

Grinning, Tim gives the can a little shake. “C’mon. It’s for _science._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: No coffeemakers were harmed in the writing of this fic. Not by me at least. YouTube on the other hand...


End file.
